le sigh...

i cried last nite.

i haven't cried like this in a very long time but there's something so cathartic about a good sob fest that it's hard to explain sometimes. i was talking to my parents last nite and the conversation made me really miss them for the first time since i've been away...ever.

i've been having some financial troubles lately (not any of major concern) because UBC have only paid me once out of the two months that i've been working at the office (i get paid bi-weekly). the admin in Vancouver is so fucking slow that i've only gotten paid once and it does not suffice at all. as a result, my aunt, uncle and parents have been giving me money to spend and as much as i appreciate their good gesture, it sux not having your own money and the freedom that comes with it. eveytime i need money, i have to ask them and i hate using their money when i have my own.

despite the allusion that i'm spoiled and whatnot, i know it's not easy to earn a living and i am truly blessed to have my parent's unconditional support. at first, i wanted my parents to take the money from my account in Vancouver and make a bank draft to me in HKD. my parents refused to take my money and they told me to take it from their account in HK instead. what started as a conversation filled with anger (from my part b/c my parents were not doing what i asked them to do) turned out to be one about humility and love in the true 1 Corinthian sense. their generosity made me feel guilty and ashamed of my true intentions for the money but despite it all, my parents were still there, on the other end of the phone, comforting, encouraging and ensuring me that everything is okay. it was at this moment that tears began to roll down my eyes and what a blessing it is from God that i have these two special people in my life.

from the surface, this might look like it's all about money but it's not.

we don't own it. we are only the managers of it.

***

U2- "Sometimes you can't make it on your own"

Tough, you think you’ve got the stuff
You’re telling me and anyone
You’re hard enough

You don’t have to put up a fight
You don’t have to always be right
Let me take some of the punches
For you tonight

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don’t have to go it alone

And it’s you when I look in the mirror
And it’s you when I don’t pick up the phone
Sometimes you can’t make it on your own

We fight all the time
You and I… that’s alright
We’re the same soul
I don’t need… I don’t need to hear you say
That if we weren’t so alike
You’d like me a whole lot more

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don’t have to go it alone

And it’s you when I look in the mirror
And it’s you when I don’t pick up the phone
Sometimes you can’t make it on your own

I know that we don’t talk
I’m sick of it all
Can - you - hear - me – when – I -
Sing, you’re the reason I sing
You’re the reason why the opera is in me…

Where are we now?
I’ve got to let you know
A house still doesn’t make a home
Don’t leave me here alone...

And it’s you when I look in the mirror
And it’s you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can’t make it on your own
Sometimes you can’t make it
The best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can’t make it on your own